View Sidebar

Post Tagged with: valentine

In and out of London on February 14th

In and out of London on February 14th

After a long day which started at 8am with:
– walking past suburban London to find it full of Colin-Firth-esque fathers driving mini-vans packed with screaming kids inside, presumably taking kids to football practice
– walking past a long line of (presumably Polish) men just standing forlornly outside a Polish delicatssen, waiting in vain for some freelance building work
– having to jump on three mis-labelled trains before finally finding the one that got me to Heathrow Airport
– a very stressed lady at an airport car rental desk who kept pointing at a non-existent silver door
– getting to the car rental place, and waiting in a portakabin to rent a car while planes flew by overhead. Almost romantic.
– driving 100 miles north of London past snowy fields and the wilds of Lincolnshire
– wrestling with two sat-nav systems on a mobile phone to get me to a country village, both of which failed
– eventually getting to the picturesque country village with snowy fields. Very romantic.
– walking up to a mews cottage. Very romantic.
– hearing dogs barking loudly, and opening the door to find a family of five and two dogs crowded inside a living room. Not so romantic.
– Picking up an LCD TV which I’d bought from the guy on eBay. Despite his burly sinewy muscles helping me get the TV to the car, this wasn’t remotely romantic. Unless you’re into burly sinewy muscled guys with tattoos. The wonders of eBay, eh?
– Driving 100 miles south back to London, listening to commercial radio endlessly going on about Valentines Day. No wonder I hate those kinds of radio stations.
– Having the bright idea of switching to Radio 1, which at least had a sense of humour about Valentines Day.
– Pulling into a Chinese supermarket en route (well, I’ve got the hire car, might as well make the most of it), which is full of families buying their weekly groceries and sparking huge nostalgia memories. More of that in a future blog post…
– Coming out of the Chinese supermarket with 20kg of rice and 50 packets of instant noodles. That ought to do me for a fortnight.
– Navigating the traffic jams to get back to my place, and transport an LCD TV, 20kg of rice and two boxes of instant noodles up three flights of stars.
– Huge disappointment that the TV – which came promised with 3 HDMI sockets for the TV – only had two. Damn.
– Eventually make it back out to the shops I can’t get to normally – mostly Homebase, B&Q and the huge Tescos Wembley.
– Stunned to find that Tesco Wembley is exceedingly busy, AND that due to not having any change, I can’t use a trolley.
– Stand in line for 10 minutes at Tesco Wembley, with two Eastern European men in front waiting with 3 cases of Fosters. Romantic night for them, presumably.
– Head to the petrol station, only to find it packed and have to wait in line for ten minutes. Shouldn’t all these people be home or out in lovey-dovey restaurants on Valentines’ Day?
– Take all the groceries back, head back out to Heathrow to return the car. I’m a sworn environmentalist, but I love how Heathrow looks at night.
– Return the car, and wait forever for a tube train back to West London.
– Now it’s 9pm, and I’m starving. But stepping into a pub or restaurant for food on this day would be a disaster.
– Fortunately, I spot a Chinese buffet and walk in. After all, what kind of romancing couple would be spending Valentines’ Day in a buffet?

Ah. At least two elderly men with their rather young wives, and three yuppie couples. Has the Chinese buffet become the new great place to eat out and be seen in?

Oh I hate 14 Feb

Oh I hate 14 Feb

If only because it’s third (only to birthdays and Christmas) for fake sentimental emails from companies and shops trying to get you to buy lovey-dovey goods and pretending to be your friend by wishing you a happy Valentines Day.

I mean… the whole point of it is that it’s meant to be a heartfelt thing between you and the person that you love. Not an e-shop that you once put your email address down for. Grrrr.

For more anti-Valentine rants, check out the brilliant Charlie Brooker, the anti-Valentine cards or previous semi-rants about Valentines Day.

And I’ll leave you with this entirely unrelated comic that came from the superlative Secret Asian Man:

Happy Horny Werewolf Day

Happy Horny Werewolf Day

Since I’m suffering with headaches and no sleep (thanks to man-flu, before you ask), I can’t seem to concentrate on anything for more than 5 nanoseconds today. Which isn’t much of an improvement on my usual concentration span of 10 nanoseconds, but there ya go. So instead of reading up on project management software, here are the random moments in my brain:

– Thanks to the recent post about Top Gear’s adventures in America, I am now ranked second on Google when you search for “man love rules ok”. Fortunately, this has not led to an influx of people begging for man/boy love on my blog, as what happened in this blog’s previous incarnation.

– If you’re recovering from yesterday’s Valentine love fest, then bear in mind that in Ancient Rome, today would be Lupercalia day, a Pagan festival involving blood, werewolves and sex.

“Many of the (men) … run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way … present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery” — The Parallel Lives by Plutarch

. So how we’ve mutated from striking each other with shaggy thongs to zombified-men wandering around Tescos or Asda looking for the right red-coloured flower, card and chocolate box, heaven knows. (I was prepared this year, before you ask!) All hail power of Hallmark. (with thanks to Warren Ellis, as if he needs my thanking!)

– Weren’t the Brits fantastically dull last night? The music was crap, all the rock’n’roll had been sucked out of the occasion by corporate managerial swines and Take That did their wearysome ballad Patience instead of the crowd-stomping quite-jolly Beatles/ELO-ripping Shine. The only highlight was the first five minutes with the Scissor Sisters recreating their black-puppetry video onstage. Russell Brand just kept going on and on making verbose random introductions that seemed to make no sense of all and totally ignored the audience who in turn ignored him. If you’ve made it to the end of this paragraph, then you can fill in the punchline.

Do men really want James Blunt as a Valentines Day present?

Do men really want James Blunt as a Valentines Day present?

Scouring the Internet, I noticed that as part of their Valentines Day promotion, play247.com are suggesting that for the man in your life, you buy him the James Blunt CD/DVD for Valentines Day.

This strikes me as the most insane idea for a present since I was once given three Red Dwarf calendars in one year simultaneously, simply because it’s a man singing songs about love. Especially because it’s a man singing in a high-falsetto voice about love.

Heterosexual men would, by and large, much rather hear women singing songs about love, especially on such a romantic occasion. Maybe some K.T. Tunstall or Joss Stone if that’s your vibe. But you don’t want to hear men singing at the tops of their voices about love. There’s a reason why most fans of Westlife and Take That are male.

Of course this gets into the thorny issue of what you do buy men for Valentines Day. Got any ideas?

Bloody Valentines…

Bloody Valentines…

In deference to my bah-humbug attitude towards Valentines – especially at a time when, as per usual there isn’t one, mea culpea etc. – why not visit meish dot org :: be my anti-valentine and send a card out?

Not to me, obviously. Waste of time, the whole damn festival.

%d bloggers like this: