almost witty

Donate sperm, get tickets to a music festival in Europe.

Oddly, I’d love to go to a music festival, but who would I go with? Who’d hold my hand ?!

In case you’ve missed the videos that are virally spreading across the internet, Matt Damon has apparently been the butt of ABC chatshow host Jimmy Kimmel’s closing jokes. So for the five year anniversary, Kimmel’s girlfriend Sarah Silverman did a music video where she proudly proclaimed she was fucking Matt Damon. And in retaliation, Kimmel proudly proclaimed (with the help of a surprisingly star-studded celebrity choir) that he was fucking Ben Affleck.

Putting the videos online was, obviously, a natural move for the broadcasters. But for all the hip savvy new-medianess that it professes to show, there’s one huge flaw in putting them online.

All the videos are bleeped to buggery, which rather ruins the flow of the song to say the least. But you’d think that on the Internet versions of the songs, you could put the uncensored versions up. Especially considering the YouTube username for one of the videos is imfuckingbenaffleck, which - as far as I can tell - was placed there by ABC staff. But nope, even though you can see the word fucking surrounding the video, and it’s pretty damn obvious what they’re singing (and gesturing) woe betide anyone actually hears the words.

It also shows that for all the good egg that Matt Damon is, he is absolutely hopeless at doing comedy. He gurns hopelessly throughout the video. But for some bizarre reason, Ben Affleck manages to pull it off while wearing a tight lycra top.

Oh yeah, and Americans love hearing celebrities swear. I’m not sure a version with Tess Daly singing I’m Fucking Ant McPharlin would get so many laughs…

Anyway, all together now:

See a cool London Underground-style map of all the cities in the world that have, or are planning to build, a mass transit public system. Have literally minutes of fun dreaming of being able to traverse the world as easily (or not) as changing tube lines in London.

And in the latest edition of the continuing decline of America (as observed by someone who lives in an ever-declining society), I bring to you the news that Americans keep switching religions. But that’s not the item I wish to draw attention to - rather the quote from the thinktank that discovered this…

Says Pew Forum director Luis Lugo, “[...] We totally knew it was happening, but this survey enabled us to document it clearly.” (my emphasis)

Interestingly, Mr. Lugo appears to hail from Philadelphia and has no hitherto connections with California, let alone teen Californian speak. Which means that either Californian speak is now de rigeur in the reporting corridors of power, or the press release has been through a Californian makeover.

Since the dawn of modern-day pop culture (20 minutes ago), wise sages have been wondering what is the one question that can test both spheres of knowledge? The pop cultural, and the classical spheres of the world. Both are equally important in their own way. But is there one question that can unite the two spheres, and bring mankind together to usher in a brave new frontier?

No? Just me? Oh. I’ll carry on anyway.

Now my friend red silk robe has stumbled upon the perfect question. and it’s a joke. Unfortunately, talented everyman actor Roy Schneider had to die for this joke to work, but I’m sure he’d recognise the worthy cause in which it happened.

So the joke goes:

I see that Roy Scheider died. I’ve always liked him and I’m sad to see him go. I should call Charon and say “I think you need a bigger boat.”

If you get both aspects of this joke and all the references, congratulations. You are the one to unite the world of pop culture and classics.

and you’re a better man than I, alas.