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Archive for category: Funny

I've just been groped!

I've just been groped!

During the occasionally-traditional Friday night drinks, I end up at the award-winning Toucan Club at their Welsh-language music evening, watching The Gogs doing their energetic head-moshing rock thing. And watching the crowd, because I’ve had way too much drink at this point (4 pints, probably) to do much but observe.

At one point, a short girl with shockingly pick bouffant hair comes in. Which makes a huge change from the uniform of skinny dyed-blonde-hair girls with handbags and boys with short hair, shirts and trousers at the club. (Not that I’m any different of course).

So the girl is standing there, watching the action. One of the boys next to her decides to have a little fun by pinching her bottom while looking away non-chalantly and supping his bottled beer. She looks around, all startled and ready to have strong words (and probably deliver a karate chop, she looked the feisty type) with whichever grinning idiot did that. Of course, said idiot is looking away and not grinning, so she gives up and goes to the bar.

Five minutes later, while watching the band, I suddenly realise that someone has their hand on my thigh. I look down, and a distinctly masculine hand is slowly moving up and down on my thigh. Some bloke with short hair and a white shirt. So I shove his hand away, quite discreetly I thought. He then mumbles something to me in Welsh – but since my understanding of Welsh is inversely proportional to the amount of alcohol in my bloodstream – I shall never know what he said.

Bring a smile to your face…

Bring a smile to your face…

I haven’t lived in London for three years, but the endlessly-emailed London Underground Song (a swear-tastic filled rant about London Underground to the tune of Going Underground) still brings a huge smile to my face. Maybe it’s the endless swearing, because I don’t ever rememeber being that frustrated with the underground.

The best thing is, they’re not a one-trick pony and it’s all for charriddee.

Margaret Cho in London !!!

Margaret Cho in London !!!

Why didn’t anyone tell me that Margaret Cho – one of the funniest stand-up comedians on the planet (who happens to be Asian-American, my role-model if I actually thought I had any skills at stand-up) – is doing a London residency at the New Players Theatre this month ?!

When she’s on form and on topic, no-one can beat her and her comedy personas. Although I’m probably biased. She does do an uncanny impersonation of my (and most of my relatives’ mums). That is, if my mum ran a gay bookstore in San Francisco and was slightly more talkative than dry paint.

However, she sometimes mistakes her stage for a pulpit on non-liberal America and she’s politically pinker than Peter Tatchell. I saw her at the Edinburgh Festival one year and most of her references were US-centric and went way over the head of the audience. Interesting how she’ll go down in London – not very well by the looks of things so far.

If you’re in London, go. If you’re not in London, go to London and then go. Especially when you can get £10 off tickets, which brings it down to the bargain (!) price of £20.

Any Margaret Cho fans likely to be in London come 21 December? :)

Karate Kid – the musical!

Karate Kid – the musical!

It’s Karate, Kid the Musical! – only in New York.

When I was a kid, I (along with probably every other Western-Chinese kid) was tortured by school demons imitating Mr. Miyagi, and doing the whole wax-on/wax-off motif.

Now they’ve made a song out of it. Unsurprisingly, for a musical that plugs itself as being about “Honor. Friendship. Fisting.”, it’s amazingly camp-sounding.

Also unsurprisingly, there’s not a single Asian-American in the cast. I await the angry mobs of unemployed Asian-American actors with interest.

It’s stuff like this that just made me wish I lived in New York. (spotted via boing boing)

*whisper* Bardex Bardex Bardex

*whisper* Bardex Bardex Bardex

Whatever you do on the Internet tonight, now and forever, don’t use the name of the enema equipment company Bardex. Why? Their lawyers will track you down like the trademark-thieving dog that you are. Even on an erotic story forum.

ASCII by Jason Scott is a text repository, and hosts some ancient erotic stories from the backyears of the Internet. Some of them include erotic enema stories (as yer do) and some of them refer to enema stories. Which has got the company behind Bardex annoyed enough to send threatening letters. Which has got enema forums (Not Safe For Work) worried.

What I want is that job at Bardex HQ where a legal brain is spending all day reading through enema porn, just to ensure that no struggling writer is using that trademark in vain. because if one were to use the word Bardex in an unflattering context, those lawyers would come down on you like a ton of Bardex enemas, saying “Use of our client’s trademark to identify enema equipment in erotic fiction is likely to cause confusion”

(spotted via the non-enema-using Boing Boing, who spotted it via the potentially enema-using Fleshbot).

Oh, and Bardex. Bardex. Bardex.

You could not make this up

You could not make this up

Spotted at a posh Chinese restaurant. “Fook Kin” is apparently a region of China.

Reasons to move to San Francisco no.43

Reasons to move to San Francisco no.43

A craigslist post optimistically hopes that a blonde, blue eyed homeless man will respond to a missed connections post. There’s something about the sweetness, naivete and hilariousness of this post that makes me want to move out there. As if I didn’t before…

Trust the Brits to take the piss out of Lynndie England

Trust the Brits to take the piss out of Lynndie England

Lynndie England is the ironically-named US soldier who is the poster child for the abuses that US soldiers heaped on Iraqi prisoners at Baghdad’s Abu Ghraib jail.

Stealth Disco was a short-lived Chicago craze for doing silly disco poses behind unsuspecting work colleagues. While someone had a digital camera of course.

Put the two together, add a huge dash of British irreverant wit, and … voila!. A Web phenonmenon that is very unlikely to travel Stateside.

My inner critic says

My inner critic says

I’m deluding myself, but if nothing else this cartoon from the Guild of Ghostwriters brought a smile to my otherwise wasted day/week/month/year/lifetime.

Only in San Francisco…

Only in San Francisco…

would you get so many new ways to describe people’s sexualities. Forget homosexual, dyke, queer, gay – oh no. New ones apparently include boydyke, trannyboy, trannyfag, multigendered, queerboi, transboi, half-dyke, stem (what on earth does that mean ?!), omnisexual, Heteroflexible, hasbian…

Aside from the ridiculous spellings – I mean, boi! What’s wrong with a nice y at the end of a word? – it just seems rather silly for elements of a minority, gaining mainstream acceptance, to want to ghettoize themselves even more with narrower and narrower definitions. Unless of course, they’re all just having a royal pisstake at the expense of bored BBC News readers. And no-one actually uses these terms on the streets of glorious San Francisco. There’s probably a comedy sketch somewhere in ten sweating writers in a dark room somewhere, desperately trying to think of a new term to use.

I once met a flatmate of a friend of a friend in San Francisco, who I initially assumed was a short gay man. It eventually transpired that said flatmate was born a girl and came out as a lesbian at her high school prom. But that wasn’t enough, changed her sex (as yer do) to be male, and then decided to date men once she was a man. That San Francisco non-heterosexual (damn, just coined another one!) support structure must be a damn good support structure! Or a ghetto… Although I still want to live there…

Of course, they still haven’t invented a term for a heterosexual (or if you must, homofriendly) who seems to be surrounded by lesbians. Or is that just frustrated?