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I for one welcome our new Chinese crab overlords

I for one welcome our new Chinese crab overlords

Anyone who’s had the misfortune to attend a Chinese wedding banquet with me, or to spend a week with me in Vietnam will know of my phobia of crabs, lobsters and generally anything aquatic with tentacles and spindly limbs.

I don’t know why anyone else can’t see that these are evil dangerous creatures. Sure they look small but they can easily jump up sixteen feet in a single bound and cut off your head with their oh-so-evil claws and thin tentacles before you’ve said “what the … “? Beware of those evil crabs, my friend, for they will rain death and destruction upon us all.

Besides, even if they are mighty tasty, the amount of effort you have to put into extracting the meagre amount of meat from inside that hideous crab shell puts it way beyond most people’s accepted ratio of tastiness versus effort.

Anyway, now I’ve warned everyone about the evil of crabs, I can do a “They’re here already!” and point out that Chinese crabs have already invaded Britain’s waterways. Take heed, my friends, and run for the hills. Now.

Fortunately, I’m in Bangor, North Wales, this week. It’s about as hilly as one can get for a city without moving to Bradford. And who on earth would want to do that?


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