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What if they gave a premiere and nobody cared?

What if they gave a premiere and nobody cared?

SurlyChick and I were invited to a movie premiere in Florida, for some independent film called A Tale of Two Pizzas. It was the kind of premiere where you had to buy your own tickets, there was a row of seats reserved for actors and no red carpet so expectations of the film were not high. But at least I figured if it was an independent low-budget movie then it should at least be interesting.

Alas, no. Quite possibly the worst film of all time – simply because there was absolutely nothing original about it. Essentially about two competing pizza joints and how it sucked in their families, and every single cliche you can think of in a Never The Twain / West Side Story / Romeo & Juliet manner was dug up, but not even in an interesting manner. The competition never got going, the propreitors didn’t do anything interesting, the young leads were attractive but dull. The camerawork was dull. The film was about pizza, but didn’t even inspire me to have a pizza afterwards. The film was about love of pizza, but there was absolutely no love in this film whatsoever. It was formulaic, dull and predictable within the first five minutes. You know you’re onto a loser when most of the laughter in the theatre comes from the actors, who must have seen the film a dozen times.

Then I got to thinking, as I do, how the movie was made. Somebody out there must have smiled on the director, and agreed to give him some money for the film based on a cliche-ridden script. Then he somehow persuaded a bunch of actors (including some who appear in The Sopranos) to appear in it. When you think of all the good scripts out there struggling to get even an ounce of funding, and then dross like this gets made instead, one has to despair.

This of course has nothing to do with the fact that the one script I’ve had noodling in my head for the last 10 years is essentially the same premise, but of course much more outrageous and no sissy romantic subplot. Somehow after seeing my indifferent response to this film, I don’t think I can expect anyone else to like my version, even if it does end in a nuclear apocalypse.

The premiere party itself was interesting – if only for the fact nobody talked about the film, and the pizza was barely touched. An hour into the party, quite a few people had left. And I’m assuming movie premiere parties are not ten-a-penny in that part of Florida.

I got talking to someone, who eventually made to leave and handed out his bottle. I thought he was trying to give it to me, but instead he wanted to do the whole cheers thing. So I guess I can never set foot in that bar. Again.

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