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The sounds of lesbians mating…

The sounds of lesbians mating…

As anyone who’s had the great fortune to sleep in the same room as me can testify (although I will deny it to my dying day), I can snore and sleep through anything. If an aeroplane was to crash into the Millennium Stadium, you can pretty much bet that I’d sleep through it and wake up to realise there’s a massive crater outside my window. I’ve slept through alarm clocks, people tickling me, everything. When I slumber, I slumber.

But not, apparently through the sounds of lesbians mating. I was pretty much solidly asleep until at 3am, I was woken by the sounds of someone having a fitting cough. At least I thought it was whooping cough. Then the sound became curiously elongated, and rising in pitch. With some accompanying pants. Putting two and two together, and remembering who I’d left on the couch when I went to bed after another unsatisfactory night with my lesbian friends in a lesbian bar watching lesbian foreplay (which seems to involve lesbians grappling each other as if wrestling, or punching each other in the arm), it was them pesky lesbians again.

After a few breathy moans, a couple of “Oh YEAH!!!”‘s leading to high-pitched yelps, the sounds seemed to die down, and I was just left with the blissful white noise of the TV in the living room.

Then 5 minutes later, the moans started up again. For 10 minutes. Again, leading to the breathy moans and the high-pitched yelps. Then died down. Then started up again 5 minutes later. And so on.

So my sleep was rather fitful. When I emerged from my bedroom at 9am, the yelping lesbian emerged from her room, beaming from ear to ear. I mean, beaming. She was practically begging me to come and talk to her in the living room. And when she says “talk to me”, she means I should just sit back and listen while she luxuriously launches into a dramatic sunny monologue about just how beautiful life is today. All because she got a sodding shag. Admittedly a shag I’ve been encouraging for months, if only to give some people some happiness. Little did I know it’d stop me sleeping.

So I declined her unkind invitation, and tried to get back to sleep. Which didn’t work. So I decided to go into town for some “me” time. Whereupon the lesbians kept texting me with various invitations to go back and join them in lunch, dinner, food, and cinema. Which isn’t that unusual, aside from it happening 4 times over 3 hours. And women just need to understand that No sometimes means No!

Women just need to understand. Sometimes, we prefer to be alone when we shop for shoes and computer gadgets.


  • HA! that last line is too funny. =)

    and in answer to your question re: sonic boom boy: i left a comment about it, but yes, i do have it on disc and then a u.s. remix and original demo version on vinyl. are you a fan of the group or just the song?

  • Paragon Flint

    Why don't people realise that in a shared house it's just rude to shag noisily at unseemly hours? And don't give me the excuse that some people just *can't* have sex quietly. I know sometimes you need to let go to get where you want to be, but there are still ways of doing it without waking the dead, especially in the dead of night.

  • Two points on this one.

    1) Luckt sods. *I* can't shag then start again 5 mins later. I could when I was 16 but those days are long gone. Part of me is soooo jealous of women.

    2) Sod next room. I can hear my neigbours shagging two doors over. She's a right noisy bitch. Generally, I only hear them at their best/worst, but my next-door neighbour who's house is joined to theirs has to put up with it constantly.

    Quote of the year though, was a few months ago. First time I heard them at it. Every sweaty slap, every grunt, every "ffffffuuuuuuuucccckkk mmeeeeeeee" (and there were a few).

    And then all four voices chatting afterwards. Very drunkenly in a "we don't realise we're pissed, and loud and the windows are open" way. Followed by:

    "I don't like the taste of me own fanny. I'm hardly going to lick anyone else's".

    At least I know *one* of the lasses is straight, then. As does the rest of the street.

    There is just no need for that…!
    Totally inconsiderate.

    You are a much bigger person than myself.
    If I lived there, it would be a bloodbath
    every time was at it but me. Grrr.

  • Thanks, now I've got that Lesbian Seagull
    song stuck in my head. "Fly hiiiiigh,
    lesbian seagull…"

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